How women and men lost their connection, a speculation, extract, book 3, shaping, part 1

How women and men lost their connection

A speculation

book 3, shaping, part 1, 3 October, extract

Zaida took Raha’s hand and squeezed it, saying: ‘We can guess some of what this is about, and that it can’t be easy for you to open up about it, but the shore is across this river. You can’t hope that the river will go away. You’ve got to wade through it. You can do it.’
Raha grimaced and nodded. The river. The river filled with ideas and demands she didn’t share. She had to cross that river, and then leave it far behind.
Raha straightened. Of course, she could do this.
With a calm voice, Raha said: ‘For centuries, the women in my country were revered for their wisdom, tenderness, strength and beauty. Every man in our country swore an oath to treasure and protect us. Historians say that it was a succession of wars that brought darkness to the hearts of many men. Women and men tried to soothe and heal the souls of broken men, but these men were too badly wounded by the wars to allow for help. Like wounded animals, they lashed out, pushed back, began to shout, walled themselves in. Some men forgot their oath and those coming after them, never took it — and women and men lost their connection, some historians say. Nonetheless the idea of protecting women survived in the darkness and led to the belief that to protect a woman meant to control her. Women were no longer allowed to become wise, to light up the world with their beauty, to protect their people with their strength, to heal the souls of others with their tenderness. Instead they were confined to their homes to fulfil domestic duties. One scholar remarked that women were kept from thinking so that they would no longer try to understand men’s terrible darkness but leave them to suffer in the solitude they craved. Of course, some future generations were not as badly wounded, but they did not question our ancestor’s ways and kept the rift between women and men unbridged. Others say that men know in their heart of hearts what they get wrong, but they don’t want to hear it spelled out by a woman because that would register as failure. No man ever wants to fail in the eyes of the woman they revere. Some other scholars disagree with these interpretations of the past. They say that women and men naturally long to love and care for each other. But both genders are blinded by ideas of perfection, and that brought the separation about. These scholars say that the men who decided to restrict a woman’s freedom and potentials were originally motivated by disappointment because not every woman is wise, tender, strong and beautiful. This registered as betrayal. Another historian wrote that such men were so obsessed with the idea of worshipping women, that women who fell short of these men’s fantasies were demeaned. Some scholars say that this is a root cause of domestic violence, which they describe as an act where men vent their disappointment and frustration that the world doesn’t comply with their fantasies.’ Raha shook her head. ‘Some scholars say, that men like these lost touch with the human in a woman, and only see either the desirable object or the objectionable deviation. In the eyes of such men, women became objects, something to possess, to use, to abuse. Men like these don’t learn to cultivate an understanding of their sexual desires. Instead they see sex as a right, not as a way to bond. You don’t bond with an object — unless it blinks.’
Some of the listeners chuckled grimly. 
‘Several scholars point out that the idea of perfection led some women to demand so much of the men who desired them that the men became exhausted. Overwhelmed, such men protected themselves by subjugating the women they desired. A philosopher once said: Seeking control is an attempt to avoid confrontation, to avoid being held to account. Control is a measure to avoid confrontation, to avoid being held to account. To exercise control means to avoid confrontation, to avoid being held to account. Another wrote: Control is cowardice and curbs the potentials of the controlled as much as the potentials of the controller. The controller lacks the courage to carve out ways of facing the world with all its challenges, chaos and beauty together. Divided, humanity can only ever hope to be a mere shadow of all that is possible.’ Raha sighed. ‘Maybe there is some truth in each of these thoughts and interpretations. Whatever the causes, life became more and more dangerous for the young in our country, daughters and sons alike. Because when men objectify women and children, and when women objectify men and children, acts of sexual violence increase. As a consequence, parents became concerned for the safety of their noble daughters. This concern is insofar interesting as that parents are made up of women and men. It seems that the birth of a child allows some people to recognise the human in their daughters. But that has not yet inspired change. Instead the worried parents invented the mandatory companion, meaning that no unmarried daughter is allowed to be without a female companion. Which is strange. How can mothers agree to this when they have suffered those restrictions themselves? And why shouldn’t a son have a companion, a companion who teaches him to understand and master his sexual impulses? A companion who helps the son to heal his soul and find the curiosity, humanity, respect and love that can reunite men and women?’ Raha sighed. ‘Anyway, this is why Reema came with us. She was supposed to be my companion.’